GARFIELD THE JERK
by MYHEARTFEELSDEADINSIDE
Summary: GARFIELD THE JERK.
1. Chapter 1

**AUTHOR'S NOTE:** I am Jackie Chan's magical jello.

One day, Garfield was sleeping in his box thing, and then he woke up.

"OH GOD." He hollered in a demonic voice, "MY ASS ITCHES! ARRRG!"

Jon walked in to the room and glared at Garfield. "Bitch." He muttered and walked away.

"WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU CALL ME, YOU FAT SON OF A BITCH!" screamed Garfield with a demonic voice, "YOU BASTURD!"

"I called you a 'fat ass'." Jon laughed, "FAT CAT! FAT CAT! FAT ASS CAT! FAT ASS CAT!"

" _ **EUAAAAAAAAAAARRRRGHH!**_ " Garfield instantly went back to sleep.

"Bitch." Muttered Jon and left

The next day, Garfield woke up and let out a demonic fart.

"OOOOOOH, YEAH!" he sighed with a demonic loud voice, "OOOH, YEAH! THAT FEELS GOOD!"

Oldie came into the room barking happily. "Bark! Bark! Bark!"

"WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU SAY!" hollered Garfield to Oldie, "UP YOUR ASS WITH BROKEN GLASS!"

Garfield grabbed a chainsaw out of nowhere and sawed off Oldie's ass.

"YEAH!" laughed Garfield, "NOW TO STUFF BROKEN GLASS UP IT!"

Oldie, being the retard he was, didn't notice his ass was gone and happily walked away barking cheerfully.

Garfield began to groan in a demonic voice, and his head spun around in a circle as if he was possessed.

Jon came in with a shotgun and showed it to Garfield.

"Hey, Garfield, look at what I got." He raised the gun up high to polish it, "Think the chicks will love me now?"

"BLEAAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGG!" groaned Garfield, spewing out vomit with full force as his head spun.

"Really!" gasped Jon with happiness, "Thank you Garfield!" he ran out the house laughing crazily.

"NOW TO DESTROY ALL OF HUMANITY!" screeched Garfield as light and static formed around him, "THE END IS NOW!"

The End?

Or is it?

Nope, no. Sorry.

To be continued...


	2. Chapter 2

**AUTHOR'S NOTE:** I EAT YO MAMA'S!

Garfield destroyed half the city and then he went back to sleep only to wake up in a pile of his own diarrhea in his room.

"OH FUCK!" He snarled in a demonic voice, "MY FUCKING TOILET HAS FUCKED UP ITSELF AGAIN! THAT FUCKING, WHORING, BITCH!"

Jon came into the room with a clothespin over his nose. "GAWD DAMN, YOU SMELL LIKE SHIT!" he hollered.

"OOOOH!" hissed Garfield, "AND LIKE YOU DON'T SMELL TEN TIMES AS WORSE THAN YOUR DEAD MOM'S FUCKING CORPSE!"

"UP YOUR FUCKING ASS WITH BROKEN GLASS!" screamed Jon, his voice screeching from a dry throat.

"OH FUCK YOU!" replied Garfield.

Oldie came barking happily into the room, his sawed-off ass still missing, and he licked  
Garfield's face in his show of appreciation of his existence.

"WHAT THE FUCKING HELL WAS THAT, YOU STUPID BASTURD ASSHOLE BITCH!"

"Bark! Bark! Bark!" barked Oldie, happy as can be.

"OH FUCK YOU!" Garfield yelled, "YOUR MOM WAS A FUCKING WHORE AND I DID HER FIVE FUCKING TIMES BEFORE I  
KILLED HER WITH MY FUCKING FARTS, YOU FUCKING LITTLE SON OF A BITCHING WHORE!"

Oldie, still being the retard he is, continued to happily lick Garfield's face leaving behind huge amounts of salvia.

"OH THAT IS FUCKING IT!" cried Garfield, grabbing a chainsaw from thin air and started its engine; "YOUR TONGUE IS GONE!"

Garfield sawed off Oldie's tongue and blood squirted everywhere. Oldie's tongue writhed on the ground as the nerves in  
it slowly died from loss of blood. Garfield picked the tongue up and shoved it deep inside Oldie's throat, to drown  
him with the blood squirting out.

Oldie continued to bark happily and 'lick' Garfield face leaving behind huge amounts of blood instead of  
saliva now that his tongue is gone.

"OLDIE!" screeched Jon, "GET YOUR FUCKING ASS OVER HERE, NOW! GAWD DAMN IT! IF YOU DON'T GET HERE RIGHT NOW, I'M GOING  
TO FUCKING KICK YOUR MISSING ASS AGAIN!"

Oldie barked happily and left the room. A loud gunshot came out of nowhere, and the sound of Oldie whimpering rose  
through the abrupt noise. Next came silence.

"Take that" Whispered Jon, "Bitch."

"SHUT THE FUCK UP!" screamed Garfield, "OR I WILL SHOVE GLASS UP YOUR FUCKING ASS, JON YOU FUCKING WHORING SLUT WHORE BITCH ASSHOLE! GAWD DAMNIT! JON, YOU SUCK SO FUCKING MUCH! DAMN IT! I HATE YOU SO FUCKING MUCH! IF IT WEREN'T FOR JIM DAVIS, I WOULD HAVE FUCKING NUKED YOUR FUCKING BRAIN AND... and, uh" Garfield immediately went to sleep, and all was as it was before.  
except for half of the city destroyed and the diarrhea everywhere.

To be continued...


	3. Chapter 3

**AUTHOR'S NOTE:** ARRRRRG! FUCKING MONKIES! THEY MUST DIE! KILL!

Garfield woke up, finally, after ten years and decided to play a prank on Jon.

"HEH, HEH!" laughed Garfield in a demonic voice, "THAT BASTURD IS GONNA PAY!"

He ran into Jon's room, and shoved several tons of laxatives down his throat. "TAKE THIS, BITCH!"

Jon woke up finding Garfield's arm down his throat and coughed loudly, "YOU FUCKING WHORE! GAWD DAMNIT! WHY THE FUCK IS  
YOUR FUCKING FURRY FUCK F-ARM DOWN MY FUCKING THROAT! YOU FUCK-TART!"

Garfield took out his arm and scratched at Jon's face, "UP YOUR ASS WITH BROKEN GLASS!" he  
screeched from lack of moisture in his mouth.

Oldie came into the room, barking happily even though blood is squirting violently from his mouth where his tongue  
used to be, and his missing ass has a giant bullet hole going through it and out from his chest, revealing his pumping organs.

"Bark! Bark! Bark!" happily barked Oldie, still always being the retard he is; and he ran up to lick Garfield,  
leaving unhealthy amounts of blood behind.

"YOU ASSHOLE FUCKING FUCK-TART!" screeched Garfield, "YOU GOT YOUR FUCKING SHIT ALL OVER MY FUCKING-"

"MY FUCKING ASS IS EXPLODING OUT FUCKING DIARRHEA!" screamed Jon, interrupting the two as gallons and gallons  
of diarrhea exploded out of his ass.

"AAAAAAAAAHHHH!" cried Garfield and Oldie as the diarrhea swept them out the house and into the city.

"MY FUCKING ASS!" screeched Jon, "GAAAAAAAAAAAAARFIELD! WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Jon suddenly exploded into a billion, billion pieces, blowing up the entire house and sending his insides flying all over  
the world. "YOU FUCKER!" was Jon's last words before his being faded away from existence.

Meanwhile, the diarrhea was like a giant tsunami as it washed away what was left of the city. Garfield grabbed hold of a  
telephone poll to keep from going any further. He spotted Oldie coming near, and he stomped on him to keep him from  
going any further.

"Bark! Bark! Bark!" barked Oldie happily and retarded, from under the flowing diarrhea.

"SHUT YOUR FUCKING FACE YOU FUCK-TART OF AMERICA!" screeched Garfield, "OH! YOU KNOW WHAT!" he let Oldie go with the tide  
of the diarrhea; "GO BURN IN HELL! OH, WAIT!" he laughed, "YOUR ASS MUST BE BURNING BECAUSE OF ALL THAT DIARRHEA TOUCHING IT!"

In an instant, a giant UFO came out of nowhere and absorbed all the diarrhea, with Oldie included, and then it flew away  
leaving nothing, but Garfield and the telephone poll.

"GAWD DAMNIT!" hollered Garfield to the UFO, "FUCK YOU; YOU FUCKING ALIEN FUCKING BASTURDS OF THE UNIVERSE OF FUCKING FUCK OF  
BITCHES! YOU KNOW WHAT! I FUCKING HATE ALL YOU FUCKING ALIEN BASTURDS! YOU ALL SHOULD GO BURN IN HELL WITH THAT FUCK-MONSTER,  
MY OWNER JON! GAWD DAMNIT, JIM DAVIS, WHY WON'T YOU FUCKING LET ME FUCK-UP JON'S FUCKED UP BRAIN! OLDIE! BURN IN HELL, YOU  
FUCKING RETARD! GO DIG A FUCKING DITCH AND DIE IN IT, YOU FUCKING BITCH! Oh... and, uh..." Garfield blanked out, letting go of  
the telephone poll, and then went to sleep.

To be continued...


	4. Chapter 4

**AUTHOR'S NOTE:** DUG MONKEY! DUG MONKEY! DUG MONKEY!

Everything was back to normal- oh wait, no it wasn't. Garfield woke up next to the telephone poll and found Oldie's  
writhing body next to him.

"YOU FUCKING, FUCK OF A FUCK!" screamed Garfield, "FUCK, FUCK, FUCKER, FUCK-"

"What the hell is your problem, Garfield!" cried Nermal from a distant, "Why must you curse so much!"

"FUCK OFF!" screeched Garfield, grabbing Nermal and shoving him up Oldie's ass; "I HOPE YOU BURN IN HELL, AND FUCKING  
DIE, YOU FUCKING, FUCK OF A FUCK OF A FUCK OF A FUCK OF A FUCK OF A FUCK OF A FUCKER BITCH SLUT WHORE, GOD DAMN IT! YOU  
JUST FUCKING SUCK! YOU SUCK SO FUCKING MUCH! GOD DAMN IT! I HOPE YOU DIE! I HOPE YOU DIE AND BURN IN FUCKING HELL, YOU FUCK OF A FUCK!"

Oldie, still and always being the retard he is, got up and happily walked away barking.

"GAWD DAMN IT, GARFIELD!" screamed Jon, his body taped back together with duct tape; "WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK FUCK OF  
FUCK FUCK FUCKING AMERICA DID YOU FUCKING DO, THIS TIME? FUCKING WHORE!"

'FUCK THE FUCK OFF!" screeched Garfield, blood squirting out from his throat from all the shouting; "BURN IN HELL!  
JUST FUCKING BURN, IN FUCKING HELL, YOU FUCK-TART! GAWD DAMN IT!"

Two days later, the city was rebuilt; Oldie was rebuilt; Nermal was extracted; Jon was made into a robot; and  
Garfield was back to sleeping in his box thing.

Garfield woke up abruptly and then screamed, "FUUUUUUUUUUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCKER! FUCK! GAWD DAMN IT! FUCK!"

"What the fuck is your fucking problem;" said Jon, now a robot, "Beep."

"FUCK YOU YOU FUCK FUCK OF A FUCKING FUCKER FUCK FUCK FUCK-TART BITCH!" screeched Garfield, "TODAY IS FUCKING MONDAY!  
DAMN IT! WHAT ARE YOU! FUCKED UP, AND FUCKING FUCK-TARTED! DAMN IT! YOU SUCK, JON! YOU FUCKING BITCH!"

"WELL!" shouted Jon, now magically not a robot anymore and back to his regular body; "AT LEAST I DON'T FUCKING GAWD DAMN WHORE MYSELF OUT!"

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT," screamed Garfield, "YOU GAWD DAMN SON OF A FAT ASS FUCKING WHORING BITCH!"

"LOOK AT YOU!" cried Jon, "JIM DAVIS HAS WHORED YOU OUT TO ALMOST EVERYTHING! GARFIELD BRAND TOYS! GARFIELD BRAND SCHOOL  
SUPPLIES! GARFIELD BRAND CLOTHES! YOU KNOW WHAT! I WOULDN'T BE SURPRISED IF THEY HAD GARFIELD BRAND TAMPONS!"

"FUCK YOU!" screamed Garfield, spewing out blood from his nose from such a yell; "I HOPE YOU DIE! I HOPE YOU FUCKING DIE!  
DIE! DIE! DIE, YOU FUCKING FUCK-TART OF AMERICA! GAWD DAMN IT! WHY DO YOU SUCK SO MUCH! JON YOU SUCK!"

A knock came at the door, interrupting the two's argument.

"WHO THE FUCKING FUCK OF FUCK, COULD BE AT THE FUCKING DOOR AT THIS FUCKING TIME!" hollered Garfield, still bleeding out  
of his mouth and nose. He stomped over to the door, leaving deep footprints behind. "WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT!" he screeched as he opened the door.

"Hey," said Arleen, with a cigarette in her mouth, "Has anybody seen my package? The mailman said he delivered it to the wrong house."

"WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK IS IN THAT FUCKING PACKAGE OF YOURS THAT YOU NEED SO GAWD DAMN SO FUCKING BADLY!" screamed  
Garfield, now blood bursting from his eyes, from all the yelling, "FUCKER!"

"My Garfield brand vibrator." She replied, "Oh, and your face is bleeding" she reached into her pocket, "Here, use this."  
She pulled out a Garfield brand tampon and gave it to him. "Well, I'll try the next house." She left to the neighbors; "Bye."

Garfield's face continued to bleed, and he pulled out a 52-caliber rifle aiming it for Arleen.

"Goodnight, bitch." he whispered.

To be continued...


	5. Chapter 5

**AUTHOR'S NOTE:** MEEEEEEEEEEE!

Two days later, after Garfield shot and killed Arleen and sold her dead body to two touring Canadians, he was  
sitting on the dinning table, eating cold mushy brown stuff in a bowl next to Jon and his gourmet, steak-filled plate.

"YOU FUCKER!" Garfield howled, throwing his cold mushy brown stuff at Jon; "I HATE YOUR DIARRHEA FOOD! DIE, BITCH!"  
he ate all of Jon's food in one gulp, vomited it out, mixed it with the cold mushy brown stuff, shoved it up his ass,  
vomited it out, and then he shoved it down Jon's throat, "TAKE THAT, MOTHERFUCKER!"

Jon died.

Just then, Oldie came into the room, barking like a complete idiot.

"FUCK OFF!" screeched Garfield, "YOU KNOW WHAT! OLDIE, YOU WILL ALWAYS BE STUPID! STUPID AND RETARDED! FOREVER AND  
FUCKING-EVER GAWD FUCKING DAMN IT! YOU SUCK! YOU SUCK! YOU SUCK! YOU SUCK! YOU SUCK! YOU SUCK!"

Five minutes later, everything was back to normal oh, wait. No. No it wasn't.

Garfield grabbed Jon's dead body and brought it over to the stove.

"Hey Ollllllldie!" yelled Garfield, sounding eerily nicer than usual; "Want some diarrhea soup?"

Oldie, never understanding what the fuck is going on around him, barked happily in response.

"MAH-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAA-AAAAAH!" laughed Garfield, coughing out blood from such a laugh; "AAAAAAAAAAAHA-HA-HA-HA!"

He opened the stove and threw Jon's body in along with several gallons of gasoline, bottles of hairspray, paint spray  
cans; and then he set the stove onto full blast without closing the stove's door.

"GOOD BYE, YOU BASTURDS!" he screamed, grabbing a suitcase out of nowhere and running out the house door, locking it  
behind; "BURN IN YOUR OWN HELL!"

Oldie, still fucked up in the head, continued to run around happily barking like a retard.

Out of the blue, the mailman got thrown into the house breaking a window, which got boarded up leaving him no chance  
at getting out if the house catches on fire- which it just did!

"AAAAAAAHH!" screamed the mailman as his leg got licked by Oldie; "YOU SICK PERVERT!"

The stove exploded into flames.

Outside, Garfield stood in front of the calm-from-the-outside house, smoking a cigarette.

"Ah, life." He said with a French accent; "How woe you are."

The house exploded, spreading fiery debris everywhere, barely scalding the ever-emotionless body of Garfield, which  
exploded into flames at that point and then vanished.

So did the entire world.

Everything vanished.

Not a sound, or light, or anything bright.

Just darkness with an eerie echoing voice of Garfield's last words, "Ah life... how woe you are... how woe you are... woe  
you are... woe you are... woe."

To be continued?

Nope. No. It won't.

You're going to have to suffer in a pile of your own feces.

Oh shit, wait. Yeah. There is another part. More parts then they'll ever be.

You got out easily this time, though you caused cramps.

Stupid laxatives

To be continued...


	6. Chapter 6

**AUTHOR'S NOTE:** I HATE YOU, MR. OWL! YOU SUCK!

Garfield woke up two days later to find everything was back to normal.

"Fuck." He muttered, "I'M FUCKING CONSTIPATED AGAIN!" he growled, "DAMN IT!"

"FUCK UP!" screeched Jon, "FUCKER!"

"GET YOUR FUCKING ASS OVER HERE, YOU FUCKING, FUCK OF AMERICA!" hollered Garfield, his voice hoarse from screaming  
so much; "YOU KNOW WHAT? FUCK YOU, JON! JUST FUCKING FUCK YOU! YOU SUCK SO MUCH! I WANT YOU TO DIE! DIE, YOU FUCKING BITCH! DIE!"

"Garfield, Nermal will be visiting today."

"WHAT! THAT FUCKING IRAQI!"

The doorbell rang, and Garfield stomped over to the door, "WHAAAAAAAT!" he screeched, opening the door; "WHAT THE  
FUCK DO YOU WAAAANT!" blood flew out from his violently scratched up throat.

"It's me!" he (she?) announced, "Nermal, the world's cutest kitty!"

Garfield fell onto his knees, "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!" he screamed, "NOOOOOOO!"

"Now, Garfield, be sure to make Nermal feel at home."

"FUCK YOU, JON!" Garfield's throat burst into flames, "I'M FUCKING SENDING THIS BASTURD BACK TO AFGHANISTAN!"

"Oh no" sighed Jon, with a jaded expression showing he didn't care what Garfield did anymore; "Oh no, don't do that."

Oldie came in and circled around barking and Garfield sat on him, "DIE, YOU WORTHLESS BITCH!"

"Oh no" sighed Jon, with the same bored expression; "Please don't do that."

Garfield took Nermal and Oldie outside and then he put on a big western boot. "GO BACK TO HELL WITH OSAMA'S MAMA!" he  
screeched, throwing Oldie and Nermal up into the air and then with one powerful kick, he sent the two flying on a one-way  
trip to Afghanistan. "SEE YOU IN HELL WHEN I BOMB EVERYTHING!"

"Garfield," interrupted Jon, "What are you doing?"

"FUUUUCK UPP!" screeched Garfield, grabbing Jon and throwing him up into the air; "SEE YOU IN AFRICA WITH SATAN!"

The mailman passed by and Garfield smacked his ass. "NICE ASS, FUCK MALE!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAHH!" screamed the mailman, running away.

"GET BACK HERE! I'M FUCKING HORNY!"

Two days later, Garfield was inside the stove, rubbing his ass all over the walls.

"Yeah, you like that bitch, don't you?" he moaned, "Yeah, stove, yeah, you love that bitch."

"GARFIELD!" screeched Jon now magically a lizard; "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?"

"FUCK OFF!"

Jon wasn't a lizard anymore and walked over to the fridge magically a spider now.

Garfield exploded out diarrhea and flooded the house, killing all the living creatures inhabitant-ing it, and then destroying  
all life living outside the house when the house exploded in a horrible diarrhea disaster.

"DIE, BASTURDS!" Garfield screeched.

The next day, Garfield walked over to Jon (back to his old body) and shook his ass in front of his face.

"Yeah, love my ass, bitch."

Jon died.

To be continued...


	7. Chapter 7

**AUTHOR'S NOTE:** TUKI TUKI TUKI COOKIE COOKIE COOKIE

After Jon died, Garfield magically transformed into a diarrhea-filled antelope.

"Moooo." He muttered, "MOOOOOOOOOOOO! FUCK!"

Jon returned, but in a monkey's body.

"WE DANCE!" they screamed, "WE SING!" they singed.

"FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK!" screeched Garfield.

"BARK, BARK, BARK, BARK!" barked Oldie, now just a piece of lint.

Two years later, Garfield (back in his normal body) found himself in a trashcan and then farted out explosive  
diarrhea made of his mom's blood.

"FUCK!" he muttered, crawling out of the trashcan "MY FUCKING ASS ITCHES LIKE FUCKING, GAWD DAMN IT, SHITTING HELL!"

A rat came up to him "In this life like weeds, you're just a rock to me." said the rat to Garfield.

"SHUT UP, YOU PIECE OF SHIT!" he screeched, stomping on the rat.

"And in the faces you meet, you're see the place where you'll die" were the rat's last words before he vanished in a cloud of smoke.

"Fuck." Muttered Garfield, "I need to quit my shit." He got up and began walking home. "I need to pour acid in all of Jon's drinks."

A while later he arrived at his house to find Jon (in his normal body) running around with a dead polar bear on his back.

"I am a magical larpoon!" he screamed, "I AM A MAGICAL LARPOON!"

Oldie (normal too) is running around in circles, chasing his ass which has his tail stuck inside his asshole.

"THAT'S IT!" screeched Garfield, "I'M MAILING YOU ALL TO AFGHANISTAN!"

Nermal arrived at the door, dressed like Osama Bin Ladin-beard and all. "I'LL BE BACK." She said with a Arnold Schwarzenegger-like voice, and left.

"GAWD FUCKING DAMN IT OF AMERICA!" screeched Garfield, his voice exploding with fire and hate "THAT'S IT, I'M FUCKING  
SENDING YOU ALL TO HELL!" he pulled out an atomic bomb and set it to go off in 10 seconds.

He ran out the door and then everybody died before dying and died of the atomic bomb, which never went off.

To be continued...


	8. Chapter 8

**AUTHOR'S NOTE:** I wanna go back to sleep

Garfield woke up the next day, farting out dead diarrhea dragons.

"FUCK!" he shouted, feeling the need to shove a knife up his ass to scratch his insides "FUCKING HELL! JON,  
FUCKING BITCH, GIVE ME YOUR FUCKING, FUCK SCRATCHIER!"

Jon came in and said "Emotions, and the things that you say, it all will fall, fall right into place."

"WHAT THE FUCK!" screeched Garfield, angered by the disorder.

Oldie got on his hind legs and spoke "When we die, some sink and some lay."

Garfield pulled out the knife in his ass and began stabbing at Jon, pulling out his intestines and forcing them  
down Oldie's throat and then he tore out Oldie's stomach and shoved it down Jon's throat.

Nermal returned, but this time s/he is dressed like Will Ferrell from A Night At The Roxbury and farted out beads of acid.  
"Well it took a damn long time to be the ass I am, and I'm real damn sure that anyone can equally, easily fuck you over."  
S/he said dramatically, "I might, disintegrate, but can easily fuck you over."

Garfield transformed into a monkey and then flew to the ceiling, "I WILL KILL YOU ALL!" he reached inside his ass and pulled  
out a hammer, "I WILL FUCK YOU UP, YOU FUCKERS!" he set the entire house on fire and then transformed into an antelope.

"I CAN DIE!" screamed Jon, now a bird "SHIT MY PANTS!"

Everybody transformed into giant robots and flew over to Japan.

"I am the monkey! I am the monkey!" shouted Oldie "FUCK MY DOG!"

Japan turned into a kangaroo and Australia went into labor.

"I SEE THE HEAD!" shouted Nermal, "I SEE THE HEAD!"

"I'm a father!" cried Garfield with tears of joy "I'M A DADDY!"

"I now pronounce you, man and wife" said Jon to Garfield and Oldie "You may kiss, the baby."

Garfield and Oldie made out right on the spot and their new child grew up to fight dragons, battle in wars, save princesses, and become king.

It has been said that around this time of night, you can hear their child wishing into the night sky for a toilet!

And they all lived happily ever after.

 **THE END**


End file.
